What are you going to the wilderness to find?

Memorial of Saint Catherine of Siena, Virgin and Doctor of the Church

(click here to listen to or read today’s scriptures)

 

What are you going to the wilderness to find?

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.

It’s hard to know what I want, even what what I need. Often I need a thick skin and hard conscience to accept the shopping list of what I want without feeling guilty. At other times, false guilt keeps me from working toward what I need. What’s the difference – I think too much and have no idea. What a piece of work is man. What a piece of work I am!

But Jesus lets me be my mixed-up self and feeds me bread and fish.

Jesus took the loaves and gave thanks. He gave them as much of the fish as they wanted. They had their fill and Jesus said, “Gather what’s left over so that nothing will be wasted.” And then Jesus knew they were going to carry him off and make him king, so he withdrew again alone to the mountain.

I hope I could follow Jesus without expecting handouts. But I have not been lately starving, so I can’t say for sure. Today, in Jesus’ gift I hear his acceptance of who I am, while at the same time he holds out hope that I will recognize who I’ve been made to be.

Permission

I give you permission to be both/and instead of either/or,

masculine and feminine, black and white,

rich and poor, hard and soft,

grateful and angry (so angry you want to break something).

 

I give you permission to burn the box

that others try to keep you in

(here, borrow my matches).

 

I give you permission to talk about God and faith,

and also to talk about your questions and doubts

about God and religion (my, how you are growing).

 

I give you permission to believe that you

already are the person you most want to be,

deep down you are (and I can see it)

and I will offer you encouragement

to let that person rule your life.

 

I give you permission to remember

the tragedies of your childhood—

abandonment, ridicule, loneliness, abuse—

permission to be proud and ashamed,

to tell of your successes and failures.

Tell me about your kids and what makes you cry,

how you have hurt each other,

and how deeply you love each other.

 

I give you permission to tell me

the secret you think only you carry

(I bet it has something to do with fear,

inadequacy, un-love, un-acceptance)

and together we will find that our secrets

are not so very different.

 

I give you permission to touch me,

my heart, my hand, my body, my soul,

to discover that before all the hurts began

we were siblings.

 

I give you permission,

and when I give this gift to you

I give it to myself as well.

– Clarence Heller

 

Jesus makes the best counselor, the best spiritual director, when he says to me, “Take and eat.” When he says to me, “Has no condemned you? Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.” When he insists on sacrificing his life for me only a few hours after he tells me, “Love one another as I have loved you.”

His own humility, his humanity – his “humus” – does not allow him to make distinctions between him and the rest of us, even as his Sonship, his freedom from sin, his wisdom and his power set him absolutely apart. Rather than being seized and praised and kinged, he withdrew again to the mountain alone. There to sit, to pray, to listen and speak to his Father.

How can I live if I don’t do this too? Jesus’ permission paves the way. I just need to say, “Yes.”

(Acts 5, Psalm 34, John 20, John 3)

(posted at www.davesandel.net)

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