Monday, May 29, 2023
Memorial of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of the Church
 (click here to listen to or read today’s scriptures)
My eyes are watching God
Standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother Mary, his mother’s sister Mary, and Mary of Magdala. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple there whom he loved, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold your son.” And he said to the disciple, “Behold your mother.”
Since meeting Dr. Liu on Thursday last week, several more important appointments are on my calendar, and they will keep us in Austin till at least the end of June, which kind of breaks my heart. But my heart is the part of me getting all the attention, so I won’t complain too loud.
I’ll be having a heart catheterization on June 12. It’s at a civilized time -9 am – but I still have to be there at 6 am, with an overnight bag just in case I have to spend the night.
Then on the afternoon of June 14 I’ll be meeting a surgery team to hear their recommendations and what the risks are of whatever they think I should do. Perhaps their preferred treatment will be what is abbreviated as TAVR, a minimally invasive way of replacing my heart’s aortic valve. Or something else. Wait and see.
And before that I may also have a CT angiogram. All of these procedures and tests seem miraculous to me, and I am thankful for every one of them.
Until I had these appointments (on Friday afternoon), I was irritable, nervous, on pins and needles. I prayed, but I still felt about the same. Then a little while later, when Norma the nurse called and helped me get all this set up, I felt my whole body relax.
Although I don’t always feel particularly obedient, I love the feeling, passive as it might be, of being put in the hands of others who are experts at what they do. I think it’s like being in the hands of God, and letting go. I remember awhile back reading Their Eyes Were Watching God, by Zora Neale Thurston. Big hurricane in the Everglades, 1928.
Night was striding across nothingness with the whole round world in his hands. A big burst of thunder and lightning trampled over the roof of the house. Motor looked up in his angel-looking way and said, “Big Massa draw him chair upstairs.”
“Ole Massa is doing His work now. Us oughta keep quiet.” They huddled closer and stared at the door. Six eyes were questioning God.
Through the screaming wind they heard things crashing and things hurtling and dashing, and a baby rabbit, terror ridden, squirmed through a hole in the floor and squatted off there in the shadows against the wall.
Talking to her husband, Janie appreciated him in their dark stormy shanty.
We been tuhgether round two years. If you kin see de light at daybreak, you don’t keer if you die at dusk. It’s so many people never seen de light at all. Ah wuz fumblin’ round and God opened de door.
And the storm did not stop, and the lights went all the way out, and everyone sat in company. Janie leaned against her husband, Tea Cake.
Their eyes strained against crude walls, their souls asking if He meant to measure their puny might against His. They seemed to be staring at the dark, but their eyes were watching God. (p. 158-159)
No more doubts and no more questions. Like the panicked rabbit, I will huddle in the shadows against the wall, and rest. God’s great warm hands hold me. God’s strong arms lift me. I breathe deep.
Then one of these days, God’s life becomes my life.
When Jesus had taken the wine, he said, “It is finished.” And bowing his head, he handed over the spirit.
 (Genesis 3, Acts 1, Psalm 87, John 19
(posted at www.davesandel.net)
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