Ideas and Tools for Understanding Anger, Managing Emotions, and Conflict Resolution

Ideas and Tools for Understanding Anger, Managing Emotions, and Conflict Resolution

Christian Counseling Service

www.christiancounselingservice.com

Table of Contents

Personal Inventory…………………………………………………………………………………..

My Personal Bill of Rights………………………………………………………………………..

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters……………………………………………………..

Basic Ideas About Anger………………………………………………………………………….

Passive/Aggressive Expressions of Anger………………………………………………

Power and Control Wheel………………………………………………………………………..

Cycle of Violence……………………………………………………………………………………..

Communication Facts…………………………………………………………………………….

Some Ideas About Listening………………………………………………………………….

Rational Emotive Thinking (KISS) ……………………………………………………

How Do You Do Anger? ………………………………………………………………………..

Dealing with the Anger of Your Partner………………………………………………….

Dealing with Your Own Anger………………………………………………………………..

Dirty Fighting…………………………………………………………………………………….

Anger Journal Sheet………………………………………………………………………………

Time Out Contract………………………………………………………………………………….

Fair Fighting…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Forgiveness……………………………………………………………………………………………

Grief……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

We Care/He Cures…………………………………………………………………………………

Twelve Steps and the Serenity Prayer……………………………………………..

Assertiveness……………………………………………………………………………………

 

 

Personal Inventory

Check the statements that apply to you.

 

1. Impatience comes over me more easily than I would like.
2. I nurture critical thoughts quite easily.
3. When I am displeased with someone I may shut down any communication or withdraw.
4. I feel inwardly annoyed when family and friends do not comprehend my needs.
5. Tension mounts within me as I tackle a demanding task.
6. I feel frustrated when I see someone else having fewer struggles than I do.
7. When facing an important event, I may obsessively ponder how I must manage it.
8. Sometimes I walk in another direction to avoid seeing someone I do not like.
9. When discussing a controversial topic, my tone of voice is likely to become highly persuasive.
10. I can accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but I have a hard time accepting someone who refuses to admit his or her own weaknesses.
11. When I talk about my irritations I don’t really want to hear an opposite point of view.
12. I do not easily forget when someone does me wrong.
13. When someone confronts me from a misinformed position, I am thinking of my rebuttal as he or she speaks.
14. Sometimes my discouragement makes me want to quit.
15. I can be quite aggressive in my business pursuits or even when playing a game just for fun.
16. I struggle emotionally with the things in life that are not fair.
17. Although I know it may not be right, I sometimes blame others for my problems.
18. When someone openly speaks ill of me, my natural response is to think of how I can defend myself.
19. Sometimes I speak slanderously about a person, not really caring how it may harm his or her reputation.
20. I may act kindly on the outside while feeling frustrated on the inside.
21. Sarcasm is a trait I use in expressing humor.
22. When someone is clearly annoyed with me I too easily jump into the conflict.
23. At times I struggle at length with moods of depression or discouragement.
24. I often take an “I-don’t-care” attitude toward the needs of others.
25. When I am in an authority role, I may speak too sternly or insensitively.

More than 10 items checked, your anger is probably more constant than you would like.

More than 15 items checked, you can probably recount many disappointments & irritations.

My Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have numerous choices in my life beyond mere survival.
2. I have a right to discover and know my childish ways.
3. I have a right to grieve over what I didn’t get that I needed or what I got that I didn’t need or want.
4. I have a right to follow my own values and standards.
5. I have a right to recognize and accept my own value system.
6. I have a right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, I feel it is unsafe or my values are violated.
7. I have a right to dignity and respect.
8. I have a right to make decisions.
9. I have a right to determine and honor my own priorities.
10. I have a right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
11. I have the right to terminate conversations with people when I feel put down and humiliated.
12. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems.
13. I have a right to make mistakes and to not have to be perfect.
14. I have a right to expect honesty from others.
15. I have a right to all of my feelings.
16. I have a right to be angry at someone I love.
17. I have a right to be uniquely me, without feeling I’m not good enough.
18. I have a right to feel scared and to say “I’m afraid.”
19. I have the right to experience and then let go of fear, guilt and shame.
20. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgment or any reason that I choose, and reap the consequences.
21. I have the right to change my mind at any time.
22. I have the right to be happy.
23. I have the right to stability (i.e. “roots”) and stable healthy relationships of my choice.
24. I have the right to my own personal space and time needs.
25. There is no need to smile when I cry.
26. It is OK to be relaxed, playful and frivolous.
27. I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so.
28. I have the right to change and grow.
29. I have the right to improve communication skills so that I may be understood.
30. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
31. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
32. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
33. I have the right to be intact, no matter what pain I may encounter.
34. I have the right to grieve over actual or threatened losses.
35. I have the right to trust others.
36. I have the right to forgive others and to forgive myself.
37. I have the right to give and to receive unconditional love.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ by Portia Nelson ~

 

Basic Ideas about Anger                                                   

What is Anger?

 

1. Anger is an emotion of “self preservation” which is stimulated when you are threatened, especially your personal worth, your essential needs or your basic convictions.

 

2. Anger is a normal but powerful reaction of displeasure. It causes a large amount of instantaneous energy (adrenalin) to flow through your body.

 

3. The physical energy associated with anger needs to be dissipated. It has to go somewhere.

 

4. Like all emotions, anger is not triggered so much by what happens as by what we think about what happens (ABCD’s of anger).

 

5. Because anger is internally created, it can be internally managed.

 

How Do We Handle Anger?

1. Suppress it (stuff the feelings, put on a good front, get sick)
2. Open aggression (at someone else’s expense, involves hurting/scaring others)
3. Passive aggression (bitterness, unforgiveness, occasional explosions)
4. Assertive anger (express yourself while considering others, no hurting/scaring)
5. Dropping it (accepting circumstances/recognizing personal limits)

 

When is Anger a Problem?

 When it is too frequent (like a porcupine, shooting quills at anything that moves)

1. When it is too intense (see next page, the anger “thermometer”)
2. When it lasts too long (replaying the same offense over and over)
3. When it leads us to withdraw (like a turtle hiding under its shell)
4. When it leads us to attack (like a skunk raising its tail!)

 

12 Steps Toward Anger Management

1. Learn to recognize when you’re angry.
2. Acknowledge that your anger is the result of your own thoughts/choices.
3. Become less “dependent” and better able to manage anger internally.
4. Relinquish your craving for control in exchange for freedom.
5. Ground yourself in truth by setting aside idealistic myths and/or irrational thoughts.
6. Moderate your lifestyle if external events seem to be making you angry often.
7. Practice humility; reject self-preoccupied pride.
8. Hold your defenses to a minimum; trust your healthy assertiveness.
9. Accept the inevitability of loneliness as you struggle to be understood.
10. Relate to others as equals. Reject judging yourself or others as inferior.
11. Assume full responsibility for your anger; avoid the temptation to rationalize or blame others.
12. Be accountable for your ongoing growth and open about your mistakes as you grow.

 

 Communication Facts

 The average person receives 173,000 negative messages about themselves by the age of 16 (29.6 a day).

1. The average person receives only 16,000 positive messages about themselves by the age of 16 (2.7 a day).
2. The brain can store up to 800 memories per second to the age of 75.
3. The brain computes over 100,000 pieces of data a second for a lifetime.
4. By the age of 5 a person has heard the word “NO” 40,000
5. The brain needs 40 positives to neutralize 1 negative.
6. The brain weighs only 3 pounds.
7. The brain can store 100 trillion words.
8. The brain has 100 billion working parts.
9. The brain will store 5 billion bytes of information by 5 years of age.
10. If the brain could be duplicated, it would be a computer the size of Texas and 100 stories high.
11. If all the neuron connectors in the brain were stretched end to end, they would reach the moon.
12. The brain can store up to 280,000,000,000,000,000,000 (280 quintillion) memories.
13. The mind never grows old.
14. Everything that we see, taste, touch, feel, experience, hear, express and receive is stored in the computer of the subconscious mind. Emotions are triggered by these inputs.  With this information we either act or react.
15. The subconscious mind is our data storage facility. The subconscious mind has no conscience.
16. The subconscious mind never sleeps.
17. In our world we can choose one of two economies: the economy of love or the economy of self-protectiveness. Our choice ultimately results in lives lived either in peace or in fear and anger.
18. Anger and unforgiveness stimulate “bad” chemicals in our bodies. Forgiveness and happiness stimulate healing chemicals in our bodies. Anger all night pours bad chemicals into our systems. 80% of all illnesses originate in the soul.

— Adapted from Family Life Skills Handbook for Group Facilitators, page 18F-64

 

Some Ideas about Listening

Others observe not only how you speak and what you say, but even more how well you listen.

Most of the impressions we make on people come from our nonverbal communication.  First impressions are retained even after we become familiar with one another. So pay particular attention to your listening habits when meeting others for the first time.

However, good listening is difficult.  Although we can think up to 1500 “words” per minute, we can only speak a fraction of that, maybe 200 words per minute at most.

Most of us can listen two to four times “faster” than most people can speak.  So we finish their thoughts in our heads, we begin to form responses before they are finished, we lose track of what they are saying, we notice an itch somewhere.  The distractions are endless.  We want to be good listeners, but we aren’t, because our brains are not quiet.

For these and other reasons, good listening is a skill that must be developed.  This involves becoming aware of what you’re doing now, learning what to do instead, practicing what to do instead and then reinforcing your practice by practicing some more.  Finally, it always helps to get feedback on how you’re doing.  A great resource for learning these skills is Listening, For Heaven’s Sake by Gary Sweeten.

Your listening can be a negative, neutral or positive experience for the person speaking.

Negative listening leaves the other person feeling worse rather than better when the ordeal is over.  Preoccupation with something else (like the TV or your own thoughts), interrupting, contradicting, “pooh-poohing,” sighing loudly … are all signs that the listening is negative.  It is actually detracting from the other person’s well-being.  Talking is NOT listening.  Another more subtle form of negative listening is when you are SO INTENSE and focused on the other person that feel more like they are being interrogated for information.

Neutral listening is much better.  But because it is not particularly interactive or responsive, it often leaves the speaker unsure of whether they have been understood.

So positive listening does include some talking, some interaction.  But as the listener, your words must only reflect back to the speaker what you think they are saying and what you think they mean.  Your words must NOT communicate disagreement , judgment or EVEN agreement.  Just communicate your understanding, not your opinion.  That will come when it’s your turn, when you have the floor.

There are four important elements of positive listening:

1. Appropriate eye contact
2. Physical feedback (gestures, nods, smiles, frowns, leaning forward, open posture)
3. Reflective listening statements (paraphrases of what you hear being thought and felt by the speaker)
4. Verbal “feeling affirmation” statements (it’s OK to feel what you feel)

Few people are willing to change until we first accept their feelings.  That doesn’t mean agreement … just acceptance of their right to feel what they feel

We boost our listening effectiveness if we learn to “milk the complaints” of complaining people.  Say, “Tell me more.”  Don’t say much else, especially if they get going strong.  Save the reflective responses for when they slow down a little.

“Replay” what you think the other has said before you speak.  Think, “What is the activating event?  What are they thinking?  What are they feeling?”  Then just say that back to them.

You can take written (notes while the other person speaks, saying that you don’t want to interrupt but also want to share some thoughts later.

If things get heated, try using an egg timer or timer on your phone and take turns speaking for three minutes at a time.  If you decide to use that rule during a discussion or argument, agree that you will stick to it.

– Adapted from Family Life Skills Student Workbook, page 65

 

KISS (Keep it Simple, Sweetheart)

This is a very helpful way to take apart what is happening in your life.  When you can break things down like this, it’s easier to understand and easier to communicate what’s happening.  It also gives you a “template” to measure how much you are sharing with each other.

Activating Event is a situation, something that happens.  It can happen in the outer world or in the inner world of the mind (memory/imagination, etc.).

Belief System is where we make evaluations and draw conclusions           about A.

Consequential Feelings seem to be caused by A, but really arise out of our thoughts, beliefs, and memories (B).

Decisive Behaviors are what we Decide to Do as result of A-B-C.

And then “D” becomes the next “A”.  Life goes on.  A-B-C-D, A-B-C-D, A-B-C-D.

We are different people, so we have different belief systems, different conclusions, different feelings.  So we have conflict.  It’s important to communicate well in these conflicts, for me to use “I messages” about the “A” we have in common, and the “B-C-D” that is unique to me.

Looking at your own Beliefs can be illuminating but also difficult.  Are they rational or not?  Use “The Art of Rational Probing” to help you decide:

 

The Art of Rational Probing

1. Is this thought fact?

Tell exactly what happened.

Describe the events that lead to your opinion.

Is it your opinion or is it a fact?

Tell how you know it is true, if it’s a fact.

Tell how you reached that conclusion.

2. Is this thought protecting (nurturing) my life?

Does __________ endanger your life?

Show how ___________ nurtures or threatens your life:  physically, emotionally, spiritually.

3. Is this thought helping me meet my goals?

What is your goal, aim, purpose, objective or desire?

How would you like things to turn out?

How does that thought, word, or behavior get you what you say you want?

What are the chances of success?

What does that achieve?

What is the consequence?

4. Is this thought helping me stay out of inappropriate
conflict with others?

How do other people react to you when you do that?

How does that thought affect your relationship with others?

How does your belief, feeling, behavior affect significant others?

Does it help you get along with people who are important to you?

How much inappropriate frustration does that bring?

Has that thought gotten you arrested or into trouble with authorities?

5. Is this thought helping me stay out of inappropriate
conflict within myself?

Describe your feelings when you think _____________________.

How do you feel toward yourself when you think ___________ ?

Where do you feel it in your body when you think ___________  (e.g. headache, stiff neck, etc)? Does it get you into trouble with yourself? In general, how have you been treating yourself?

Do you like yourself when you think _________ or do ___________ ?

Are you being fair to yourself?

Defend keeping yourself miserable, angry, depressed or suicidal.      🙂

Prom Rational Christian Thinking, Peterson, 1990.

 

Irrational Beliefs and Myths                                                                            

A few popular but irrational beliefs (some of which may cause your anger):

1. I should be loved and appreciated by almost every person I know and meet, and live up their expectations.
2. I (or my kids, or my partner) must be highly competent, adequate, intelligent and achieving in everything before I can be happy.
3. When people act unfairly or wickedly, I should blame them and see them as undesirable and evil.
4. It is a terrible catastrophe when I am rejected, treated unfairly, or things aren’t as I would like them to be.
5. Since my feelings are caused by external factors, I have little or no ability to control or change them.
6. I should be greatly concerned about dangerous and fearful things and must center my attention on them until the danger has passed.
7. I can handle difficulties and responsibilities better by avoiding them than by facing them.
8. People and things SHOULD turn out better than they do, and when they don’t I should see them as awful.
9. My past remains all-important, and it must influence my feelings and behavior now because it once did.
10. I can achieve maximum happiness by inaction, inertia, or by passively enjoying myself.

 

The following irrational beliefs often produce obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior:

11. The amount of work that I do is more important than how well I do it.
12. Faster is always better.
13. It is horrible when things are not done on time.
14. My worth is based on winning or losing.
15. I am only as good as my accomplishments.
16. Activities that don’t accomplish anything are a waste of time.
17. If I try hard enough, I can have complete control over my life.
18. The best way to stay in control of things is to speed up.
19. The best way to insure high quality is to require myself, as well as others, to perform perfectly.
20. The best, most effective way to make people “pay” for blocking what I want is to openly display my anger and hostility.
21. God loves me better when I produce a lot.

From Albert Ellis, Rational Emotive Therapy and Gary Sweeten, Rational Christian Thinking.

Looking through the A-B-C-D lens, here’s a simple Friday night example of “I” messages in the life of a newly married couple.  They’ve been invited out for pizza by friends.

(How he might say it):

(A)    Events                                              “When our friends invited us for pizza,

lead to                                                   I thought how much fun it would be

(B)    Thinking                                         to be with you and our friends together,

which triggers                                                   and I felt happy and excited

(C)    Feelings                                                                                   about going.

which requires                                               So I don’t have to think twice:

(D)    Deciding                                                                    I would love to go out

what to Do                                                        together with them tonight!”

 

(How she might say it):

(A)    Events                                                “After hearing what you have to say,

(B)    lead to                                                      I thought how much I just wanted

Thinking                                                                      to be alone with you,

which triggers                                                 and I felt irritated and uneasy

(C)    Feelings                                                                                   about going.

which requires                                    When I look at what I want right now,

(D)    Deciding what to Do                                               I think I’d rather not go.”

 

(What might happen next.  He says):

(A)    Events                                                “After hearing what you have to say,

lead to                                                                  I think I’d like to be alone

(B)    Thinking                                                                       with you tonight too.

which triggers                                                             That feels even more

(C)    Feelings                                                        exciting to me than going out!

which requires                                                      Should we light the fire?”

(D)    Deciding what to Do

 

How Do You Do Anger?                                                                                   

Answer these questions alone, and then discuss your answers and thoughts with your partner.

1. (Activating Events) Frequent causes of anger (triggers or “squishy spots”):

When I think I’m being put down

When I don’t get what I need/want

When I get taken for granted

When I am disagreed with

Specific subject(s) e.g. finances, relatives, sex, job, kids.  Which subjects?                                       

Other                                                                                                                                                      

1. (Beliefs) Sources of your conscious and subconscious thought patterns regarding anger
2. How did my father act when he was angry?

                                                                                                                                                               

2. How did my mother act when she was angry?

                                                                                                                                                               

3. How did your parents handle conflict?
4. Was anyone afraid at home?
5. How did I express anger as a child?
6. How do I express anger now? (see page 4)

                                                                                                                                                               

1. (Consequential feelings) How I feel about us becoming angry

After becoming angry with you, I usually feel                                                                                                   

After you become angry with me, I usually feel                                                                                                

1. (Decisive behaviors) What I do after we express anger

After I’ve been angry with you, I                                                                                                                        

After you’ve been angry with me, I                                                                                                                    

What could I do differently in handling anger with you?                                                                                   

What would I like you to do differently?                                                                                                            

 

The following behaviors are sometimes the result of displaced and distorted anger.  Think about which of these may be occurring in your life.

1. Aggressive/overactive sexual activity
2. Violent dreams
3. Vicariously identifying with others’ aggressiveness (e.g. movies, TV)
4. Tiredness/tenseness/pains
5. Persistent feelings of shame
6. Being an overly sweet, nice guy
7. Self-destructive behaviors
8. Substance abuse
9. Overeating/bulimia
10. Anorexia
11. Depression/anxiety
12. Critical spirit/nagging/gossiping
13. Overworking/overdoing anything
14. Pursuing perfection
15. Physical ailments of all kinds
16. Obsessive thinking
17. Compulsive behaviors

 

Dealing with Anger                                                                                            

 

Dealing With the Anger of Your Partner

1. Know your own response to anger. If another person is angry, you do not have to become angry also.  Take some deep breaths.  Be willing to “edit” your first response if necessary.

 

2. Remember that their anger often goes beyond the precipitating event. You may be a convenient target, but the anger may be about something else, or something deeper.

 

3. Accept your spouse’s right to be angry even if you don’t agree with his or her reasons.

 

4. Help your partner get rid of the adrenalin that results from their anger by letting them talk (yell) it out. Invite the anger, then draw it out (“tell me more…”).  Keep quiet.  Don’t interrupt, don’t contradict, don’t defend, justify or rationalize until their energy is depleted.

 

5. Send the message that “I care about you even when you’re angry” nonverbally, by nodding, maintaining eye contact, remaining calm.

 

6. If you are losing control of your own emotions, take deep breaths, pray, wait. Put “duct tape” on your lips.  If necessary, call a “time out.”

 

7. Avoid giving advice. Avoid “dirty fighting.” Don’t try to solve the problem until both of you are ready for that (after the emotions are mostly spent).

 

8. Look for ways to affirm the angry person.

 

9. Do not change your behavior just to keep the other person from being angry with you. On the other hand, if you have been a part of the problem, confess it fully and work for reconciliation.

 

Dealing With Your Own Anger

1. Think, “My anger is a signal, not a weapon.” And, “What else am I feeling?”

 

2. Acknowledge my anger as a natural human emotion, and accept it.

 

3. Without waiting too long, express my anger verbally and get rid of the physical energy (adrenalin) without hurting or scaring anyone.

 

4. After the emotional energy has faded some, look at what I am thinking that is making me angry. Decide which of these thoughts are destructive rather than life-giving.  Begin to re-program my thinking.  Choose to be assertive with the constructive thoughts, and begin to discard those that are destructive.

 

5. Take responsibility for any mistakes I made while angry. Confess and ask forgiveness of anyone I have wronged.  Strive to make amends.  Pray and forgive myself as well.

 

Dirty Fighting                                                                                                      

1. I Win, You Win  	2. I Win, You Lose
3. You Win, I Lose	4. I Lose, You Lose

 

There is only one fair way to “fight.”  That’s when we start out with the idea that “I’m OK, and you’re OK.”  “I win, and you win.”  When we think like that, we will negotiate and compromise and problem solve, after our emotions are expressed.

The other three positions are arenas for dirty fighting:

2. “I win, you lose” makes us aggressive.  This is parent-child behavior.
3. “I lose, you win” makes us passive.  This is child-parent behavior.
4. “I lose, you lose” causes us to withdraw and sulk, preparing our bitter juices for another miserable day tomorrow.  This is child-child behavior.

When we decide we want to win an argument or battle regardless of the cost to our partner or to our relationship, we will fight dirty.  We usually make these “decisions” in the heat of emotion.

We can fight dirty in initiating an argument or in being the responder.

Dirty fighting techniques utilize the six C’s:

Comparing

Confusing

Condescending

Complaining

Condemning

Commanding

Dirty fighters are experts in the ancient arts of blaming and sarcasm.

In dirty fighting, whenever a complaint is leveled, the other is ready and waiting with a “cross-complaint”.  This saves them the trouble of actually responding to their partner’s problem.

If all else fails, we can play the martyr.  Or we can walk out and slam the door in order to get the “last word.”

Dirty fighters are very angry, but usually won’t acknowledge their anger.  For them, anger is not an OK feeling.

 

Dirty Fighting “Techniques”

1. ASK WHY

“Why didn’t you clean it up?” Or “Why were you late?” will imply that there must be something terribly wrong with the other person, and that an issue is something more than some simple problem behavior that might otherwise be easily resolved.

 

2. AVOID RESPONSIBILITY

Although not very elegant as a tactic, saying “I don’t remember” can bring the discussion to an abrupt halt. Alcohol or fatigue can serve the same purpose, as in “I must have been drunk.”

 

3. BE INCONSISTENT

Keep them off balance by changing your position. Try claiming that they never talk to you and then ignore them when they do.

 

4. BLAME

Make it clear that the fault lies entirely with them and that once again you are simply the innocent victim. Don’t admit that your behavior plays any part in the difficulty. Make sure they realize that they must change first.

 

5. BROWN BAGGING

Try to list as many problems as possible in as much detail as possible. Don’t stick to the original issue, but rather, throw in all the problems you can think of. Don’t limit yourself to the immediate present. If your partner can’t recall the offense, so much the better.

 

6. CROSS COMPLAIN

Respond to any complaint your partner may raise with one of your own. For example, “Me late? Why, if it weren’t for the fact that you never have any clean clothes for me . . .” If done properly, you can balance com-plaint against complaint forever.

 

7. CRUCIALIZE

Exaggerate the importance of the issue with statements such as, “If you really loved me, you would never have done it in the first place.” Or, “This proves that you don’t care.” Never concede that an issue is not absolutely critical and in need of immediate resolution.

 

8. DON’T LISTEN – DOMINATE

Any time you appear to be listening, you run the risk of suggesting that you value your partner’s opinion. Consider talking while they are presenting their case, pretending to read, or falling asleep.

 

 

9. ESCALATION

Move quickly from the issue to questioning their personality; wondering whether it is worth the effort to stay together (issue-to-personality-to-relationship). Interpret the other’s shortcomings as evidence of bad faith and the impossibility of a happy relationship.

 

10. FORTUNE-TELLING

Predicting the future can save you the effort of really trying to resolve the problem. “You will never change,” or “It would be easy for me to change, but you wouldn’t live up to it” are statements which can protect you from having to make any effort at all.

 

11. GET EVEN

Don’t settle for a compromise or an apology. Hold grudges for as long as possible, as you might need those complaints in future arguments.

 

12. GIVE ADVICE

By telling people how to act, think and feel, you can maintain a position of superiority while insisting that you are only trying to be helpful.

 

13. LABEL

By labeling someone in a negative manner you can create the impression that they are totally at fault. Psychological labels (i.e., “childish,” “neurotic,” “insecure,” or “alcoholic”) are particularly effective in obscuring issues where you may be vulnerable.

 

14. LEAVE

No problem is so big or important that it can’t be ignored. Walk out of the room, leave home or just refuse to talk. Sometimes just threatening to leave can accomplish the same end without the inconvenience involved in actually leaving.

 

15. LIST INJUSTICES

This is a great morale builder. By reciting every slight injustice or iniquity you have experienced in the relationship, you will experience a renewed sense of moral self-righteousness. You can use this approach to justify almost any activity you have always wanted to engage in. For example, “Since you went ahead and bought that dress, I can buy a new car.”

 

16. MACHINE GUNNING

By continually throwing up questions, never allowing them to answer, you can keep them in confusion as to what you really are talking about.

 

17. MIND READING

By deciding that you know the real reason why someone is acting in a certain way, you can avoid having to debate issues. For example, “You only said that to set me up, or “You don’t really feel that way,” are particularly effective.

 

18. OVERGENERALIZE

Use words like “always” and “never,” as in, “You are always late.” This is likely to distract your partner into discussing the over-generalization rather than the issue, and insure further misunderstanding.

 

19. PERSONALIZE

Anyone can resolve a conflict if you stick to the issue. By shifting to personalities, you should be able to generate enough defensiveness to keep the conflict going forever.

 

20. PLAY THE MARTYR

If timed properly, this tactic can completely disorient the opposition. “You’re right, dear, I am hopeless” can stop them in their tracks. An example of a less subtle form is “How could you say that after all I’ve done for you?” An extreme is to threaten to kill yourself it they don’t shape up.

 

21. PULL RANK

Rather than depend on the merits of your argument, pull rank by reminding your partner that you make more money, have more education, are older or younger, or are wiser or more experienced in such matters. Anything that will enhance your status at their expense.

 

22. REJECT COMPROMISE

Don’t back down. Why settle for compromise when with a little luck you can really devastate them and the relationship. Stick with the “one winner” philosophy.

 

23. SARCASM

This is a great way of saying something without having to take responsibility for the communication. If you can say, “You’re so smart” just right, you can imply that they are stupid and deny that you said it at the same time.

 

24. TIMING

Pick the right time to begin an argument. Late at night, during a favorite TV show, after several drinks, or just before your spouse has to leave for work are options. As a general rule, look for the time they least expect it or are unable to adequately respond.

 

25. USE CHILDREN

“If you spent more time with them, they wouldn’t be failing.” “Do you want them to grow up like you?” can always be used unless you are so unfortunate as to have perfect children.

 

26. USE MONEY

“If you made as much money as __________________”, or, “When you make as much as I do, then you can have an opinion” are old favorites.

 

27. USE OTHERS

“Even _____________________ says that about you” can back up your argument and make your case sturdier.

 

28. USE RELATIVES

“When you do that, you are just like your mother” can be used to break their concentration and undermine confidence.

 

29. USE TERMINAL LANGUAGE

For example, if you happen to be upset by the fact that the room was not straightened, start with “You slob,” to suggest that it is their existence and not their behavior in question.

 

30. USE THIS LIST AGAINST YOUR PARTNER

Do your best to point out your partner’s dirty fighting techniques, especially when they are angry and losing control. At the same time, refuse to acknowledge that you use any of these techniques yourself.

 

31. OTHERS

This list should only be considered suggestive of the range of tactics to be drawn from.  With practice and creativity, participants should be able to come up with numerous innovations.

 

Anger Journal

(Use each column for a separate experience with anger)

 

Date
Intensity	1    2    3		4    5    6    7    8    9    10			1    2    3		4    5    6    7    8    9    10
Physical Signs
Behavior Signs
Situation
Did you take a Time-Out?		Yes			No		Yes			No
	Comments					Comments
Did you Stuff it, Escalate it, Direct it?		Stuff it			Escalate it		Stuff it			Escalate it
	Comments				Direct it	Comments				Direct it
“I” Statements	What else am I feeling?					What else am I feeling?
Physical Activity
Alcohol or Drug use?		Yes			No		Yes			No
	Comments					Comments

 

Fair Fighting/Problem Solving            

1. Get your emotions out first. Don’t try to solve any problems until you have both taken time to do this.

2. Decide on one problem to discuss at a time. Be patient and be sure you agree on the definition of the problem you’re working on.

3. Speak one at a time. Allow equal time for each other.

4. Treat each other with respect and warmth. Look for feedback to be sure you are communicating respect and warmth.

5. Be open and honest.

When you think you’ve been wrong, say so.  And apologize.

Say what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, what you want.

6. Understand the grief process (see below). Don’t be afraid of feeling strong emotions.  And don’t expect forgiveness (see p. 9) to come before its time, too soon.

7. Observe your own rules. And take time outs if your emotions get too strong for you.

8. When you’re ready to begin problem solving, start by brainstorming. This means saying whatever comes to your mind that has to do with a possible solution.  Write down everything.  Don’t criticize anything yet.  This gets your minds working creatively and together.

9. Look for compromises. Don’t settle for anything other than “I win, you win.”

10. Agree to be accountable to each other. Plan to talk again about whether what you’ve decided to do is working.

 

Grief Process

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage – acceptance.  But you can’t hurry through the process, either.

Numbness, denial and isolation

Yearning and bargaining

Anger, Hopelessness, Depression

Sadness

Letting go, acceptance and forgiveness

 

Forgiveness                                                                                             

Here is a step-by-step process to follow when you are doing the forgiving (taken from As For Me and My House by Walter Wangerin

1. Be specific about your resentment. Think about what happened.  Ask yourself three questions:

1. What was the offense exactly?

1. Against whom (or what part of you) was the offense committed? Against your honor, your body, your desires, your expectations, what?)

1. What exactly were the the consequences of the offense?

2. Remember your own forgiveness. From this comes your own power to forgive.  This also removes any sense of your own superiority over the offender.

3. Arrange a time when you can be alone and focus on each other. Then tell the other person what offended you.  Tell them by using the questions in step 1, and explaining it to them.

4. Tell the other person that you forgive them.

Forgiving means:

Giving up, stepping outside the system of law into the world of mercy.

Giving notice, a clear communication to the other that you have been hurt, revealing as clearly as you can what the other person has done.

Giving gifts, with no return whatsoever expected, focused completely on the one receiving the gift, the one who has hurt you.

Forgiving is giving love when there is no reason to love and no guarantee that love will be returned.

5. Follow your words with action. Make a covenant with yourself that your forgiveness is unconditional.  Even if the other person doesn’t think they were wrong or doesn’t receive your forgiveness, do the hard work (with prayer) of giving up on your “right” to revenge or any of its more subtle variations.

As a couple, do you think you give and receive forgiveness as needed?  To facilitate discussion, rate yourselves from #1 to #5.  1=very good…..5=very bad

Me                  I give forgiveness when appropriate.                   I  receive it when given.

You                 You forgive when appropriate.                              You receive it when given.

 

Thoughts on Mourning and Grief

 Our pain and grief are normal and natural.  Even the confusion and “crazy” feelings that accompany a major loss are normal and natural.

 Stages of Grief

1. Shock and denial (God cushioning the blow)

2. Wrestling (feeling finite and powerless – failure of will, emotion, reason)

3. Sadness (giving up – not expecting anything – no new sunrise – feeling like a little child, wanting comfort)

1. Talk about the loss.

2. Talk about the loss without feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

3. Feel good about “feeling good” again.

4. Become able to discuss the full reality of the loss, objectively – not just the idealized version.

5. Present and future look good to you again.

Time does not heal.  Time gives you opportunity to grieve and mourn.  Grieving and mourning heal.  (Just because you’ve had time to mourn doesn’t mean that you’ve done it.) 

Grief work is the active re-identification of your self as you incorporate the loss.  It is coming to terms with what has been lost and how you feel about it.

Grieving means change, adaptation, energy and “work” at a time when you don’t feel like it.

Grieving is choosing to reach out to others when you want to withdraw.  It is with others that you can experience new dimensions of understanding and compassion.  Choose honesty and intimacy over pretense and loneliness.

Grieving requires us to re-evaluate who we are now.  Our renewed search for meaning and significance can be a spur to faith and creativity.

Don’t confuse depression and grief.  Depression means feeling hopeless and helpless.  Grief is feeling sad and empty.  They are different.  Mourning a loss prevents depression.  “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

— Adapted from articles by Walter Wangerin and Val Farmer

We Care (vs He Cures … see below)

When I feel responsible FOR others

I …

Fix

Protect

Rescue

Control

Carry their feelings

Don’t listen

I feel …

Tired

Anxious

Fearful

Liable

I am concerned with …

Solutions, answers, being right

Circumstances and details

Performance (mine AND theirs)

I become a manipulator.

I expect the other person to live up to my expectations.

I can become obsessed and over-responsible for someone else’s problem.

 

He Cures

When I feel responsive TO others

I …

Show empathy

Encourage

Share

Confront and level with them

Am Sensitive

Listen

I feel …

Relaxed

Free

Aware

Higher self-worth

I am concerned with …

Relationship

The person

Their feelings

I am a helper-guide.

I expect that if I just share myself, the other person has what they need to make it.

I can trust (God/the other person) and let go.

Source: Glenbeigh Adolescent Hospital, Cleveland, OH; Gail Ellis, Stephen minister at Lakewood Presbyterian Church, Lakewood, O

 

THE TWELVE STEPS OF WHOLENESS (Prepared by Dr. Gary Sweeten and Hal Schell, Equipping Ministries, Inc.)

Following a tradition of the early church and the Wesley revival, the Oxford Group in England systematized a series of “steps” as a process of cleansing one’s inner life.  These “steps” were later adapted by Alcoholics Anonymous, with much of the Christian basis obscured.  They are here re-adapted emphasizing the great Christian base so important to the wholeness sought. 

Scripture passages follow each of the steps.  These steps are principles of basic Christian  discipleship and growth.  When a Christian (a “little Christ”) makes these decisions and vigorously applies these principles, that person will move toward “Teleios” – Wholeness in Christ.

1. I now see that I, of myself, am powerless, unable to control (manage) my life by myself.

 

Romans 7 and 8 Romans 7:18-19

Psalm 32:3-7

Romans 3:9-10, 23

 

2. I now realize that my Creator, God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, can restore me to wholeness in Christ.

 

Psalm 27:4-5 Mark 10:26-27

Philippians 2:13 Romans 8:9

Ezekiel 36:27

 

3. I now make a conscious decision to turn my entire will and life over to the care and direction of Jesus Christ as Teacher, Healer, Savior and Lord.

 

Joshua 1:8-9 Jer 29:11-14 Jeremiah 32:27		John 14:6 John 10:30		Mark 10:27 Matthew 28:18 & 20b

 

4. Having made this decision, I now obey God’s call in Scripture to make a fearless, ethical, moral and scriptural inventory of my entire life in order to uncover all sins, mistakes, and character defects, and to make a written list of every item uncovered.

 

Psalm 139:23-24 Lam 3:40

Jeremiah 23:24 Romans 8:26-27

 

5. After completing this inventory I now will to “walk in the light, as He is in the light” by admitting to myself, to God, and to at least one other person in Christ the exact nature of these wrongs.

 

1 John 1:7 Eph 5:13-14

Psalm 119:9-11 1 Timothy 1:15 Acts 13:38-39

James 5:13-16 Hebrews 9:14 Acts 2:37-38

 

6. Having agreed with God about my sinful behavior, I now ask His forgiveness through Christ and openly acknowledge that I am forgiven according to the Scripture.

 

1 John 1:8-9 James 4:10

1 John 2:1-2 Psalm 27:13-14

Psalm 118:18, then 17

 

7. I now repent (turn away) from all these behaviors in thought, word and deed and ask God to remove each besetting sin, through Jesus Christ.

 

John 5:14 John 8:10-11 Job 11:13-19

Ezekiel 18:30-32 Romans 5:5-6, 6:5-7 Romans 12:1-2

1 John 2:3-6 2 Corinthians 10:5 Colossians 3:17

 

8. I now make a list of all persons I have harmed in thought, word and deed, and a list of all persons I believe have harmed me, and will to make amends to all of them.

Eph 4:29-32 Hosea 11:1-4 Ephesians 5:1-2		Luke 6:31 Matthew 5:43-44 Matthew 18:15		Leviticus 19:17-18 Mark 12:31 Matthew 5:9

 

9. I now go directly to these persons to forgive and to seek forgiveness, reconciliation, restitution, or release whenever and with whomever possible, unless to do so would cause further harm.

 

Matthew 5:23-24		Isaiah 1:18-20

 

10. I now consciously and prayerfully continue to “walk in the light” by unceasingly taking personal inventory of all my temptations and sins, and by keeping a constantly open relationship with God, myself, and other persons.

 

Matthew 26:41 James 1:13-15 Matthew 6:11-13 Colossians 3:13		Proverbs 30:8-9 Ephesians 5:15-18 Psalm 4:3-5		Psalm 55:22 1 Peter 5:6-7 Ephesians 4:22-28

 

11. I now continue in regular Scripture study, prayer, worship and fellowship to increase God’s will in my life.

 

Acts 2:42 Mark 12:28-33 Matthew 6:33		Psalm 89:15 Joshua 1:8		1 Kings 8:56-61 Colossians 3:12-17

 

12. Recognizing the impact of God in my life, I now intentionally share these principles and their effect with others as God’s Spirit leads, and will to practice these principles in all areas of my life.

Micah 6:8 Ephesians 5:8 Psalm 40:8-10

Galatians 5:1 Revelation 12:11

2 Corinthians 3:17 Ephesians 6:10-18

The Serenity Prayer

This prayer was originally written by Reinhold Neibuhr for the Congregational Church of Heath, Massachusetts and then printed in monthly bulletins of the Federal Council of Churches. The first sentence has been adopted as the official prayer of Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery support groups.

God, grant me the serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;

taking,as Jesus did,

this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it;

trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to your will;

so that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

 

ASSERTIVENESS

DEFINITIONS

Assertive Behavior …

Involves standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights. The basic message expresses “who the person is” and is said without dominating, humiliating or degrading the other person. I’m okay. vou’re okay.

Non-assertive or Passive Behavior …

Involves violating your own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs and thus permitting others to violate you. It is also expressing your thoughts and feelings in such an apologetic, yielding, self-effacing manner that others can easily disregard them. In the latter type of non-assertion, the total message which is communicated is: I don’t count. You can take advantage of me. My feelings don’t matter, only yours do. My thoughts aren’t important, yours are the only thoughts worth listening to, I’m nothing, you are superior.   I’m not okay; you are okay.

Aggressive behavior …

Involves directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way which is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and always violates the rights of others. The usual goal of aggression is domination and winning – forcing the other person to lose. Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading, belittling or overpowering other people so that they become weaker and less able to express and defend their needs and rights. The basic message is: this is what I think and you’re stupid for believing any differently. This is what I want, what you want isn’t important. This is what I feel; your feelings don’t count. I’m okay. vou’re not okay.

Indirect aggression …

Involves using trickery, seduction or manipulation. This person may be cute and coy, but when angry is likely to use sneaky ways to get revenge. They can be so indirect that the person with whom they are angry may never even know that they are angry or what they are angry about.

Comparison of Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Problem Solving

Passive (Non-Assertive)	Aggressive	Assertive
Non-assertiveness is allowing other people to treat you, your thoughts and your feelings in whatever way they want without challenge from you.  It means doing what others what you to do, regardless of your own desires.	Aggressiveness is standing up for what you want regardless of the rights and feelings of others.  Aggression can be either physical or verbal.	Assertiveness is thinking and acting in ways that stand up for legitimate personal rights.  It is the act of giving expression to your thoughts and feelings in a way that defines your perspective without subtracting from the rights of others.
Problems are avoided	Person is attacked	Problem is attacked
Legitimate rights are stuffed	Your rights are claimed	Legitimate rights of each party are claimed
Rights of others are viewed as superior to yours	You view your rights as superior to others’ rights	Rights of others are seen as equal to yours
Establishes a pattern of others taking advantage of you, fear and avoidance of aggressor	Establishes a pattern of entitlement, narcissism, impatience and thoughtlessness about others	Establishes a pattern of patience and respect to use in current and future problem solving
Lets the other person guess how you think and feel	Lets the other person know how you think, but not feel (except anger)	Lets the other person know how you think and feel
Hopes goals may be achieved without real plan	Works toward goals using force	Insistently, respectfully works toward goals with plans
Lets others choose activities for you	Chooses their own activities and the activities of others	Chooses activities for self
Builds anger and resentment	Acts out anger	Deals with anger using I-messages in the moment of emotion, rather than waiting too long
Talks to others with respect for other but not yourself	Talks down to others (parent-child, condescending, feeling superior or self-righteous)	Talks to others with mutual respect, for the other and for yourself
Lacks confidence	Cocky and hostile (insecure inside)	Confident (maybe quietly, but still confident)
Hopes for favors and services (but asks tentatively or not at all)	Demands favors and services	Requests favors and services