Tuesday, March 12, 2024
(click here to listen to or read today’s scriptures)
Wade in the water
Now there was a river through which I could not wade, for the water had risen so high it had become a river which could not be crossed. Except by swimming. He brought me to the bank of the river, where he had me sit.
My friend Brent told me about a sleep monitoring app called Shuteye, which I’ve been using for a few days. It gives me mostly good news about enough deep sleep and enough light sleep, along with recordings of unusual noises I make during the night. Snores, snorts, gulps, heavy breathing … you know, the stuff you’d rather nobody hear but you. Not even you, actually. Just keep it in the closet. Pretend the civilized sounds you make in public are the ones you make in private. But as I get used to hearing them, the sounds are becoming more interesting than embarrassing. At least so far.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in distress. Therefore we fear not. Though the earth be shaken. Though mountains plunge into the depths of the sea.
Last night, though, it was not the sounds. I woke up after two hours and felt restless, numb-y in my left arm, and couldn’t go back to sleep for a couple of hours. I worried that my heart was failing me. Eventually I did sleep again, and soundly, and felt pretty rested when I woke up. How long will that last, since I didn’t sleep so long? But today is a rest day anyway, not so much to do.
In the dead of night I tried to pray live prayers. Jesus have mercy on me a sinner. Holy Mary pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Help me, Lord. Our Father who art in heaven.
I remember recently reading about a young man named Gabriel in a novel called Justice Hall. Sherlock Holmes and his young wife Mary Russell investigate Gabriel’s death by execution during World War I. The Great War. He was shot at dawn for refusing to carry out an insane order one that would have resulted in the deaths of the ten soldiers in his platoon.
He did not sleep much the last night. He wrote a letter to his father, he spoke at length with his confessor, and he waited for the man to come who would accompany him to his death.
Lasty night, up in the silence myself, waiting for … what now? What this time? Execution is a planned thing, but most of us do not die that way. We just wait and wait and then it’s done. Over to the other side.
In 7th and 8th grade I wrote story after story that ended in my death. My pen trailed off the page as I fell away. Then I hadn’t got much life under my belt, and although with a few minor changes I might have died at least ten times since then, I haven’t.
Like my dad, my friend Mary Lou wanted to live to 80. That would mean, for my dad and my friend, they would have lived longer than anyone else in their families so far. I visited with Mary Lou yesterday, and she laughed at the outrageous fact that she was 91. Here I am. How did I get here? One day at a time. I have no need to prolong my life. Yet she faces decisions even now about medical interventions that will do that just that.
That has also been the case for me.
Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your mat and walk.” Immediately the man became well, took up his mat and walked. Later Jesus found him and said, “Look! Now you are well. Stop sinning so that nothing worse may happen to you.”
In the morning it is much simpler to be fascinated by the border between life here and life there. In the night I am simply scared of my body, and the pain, the surprise and uncertainty, the sense that I’ve done something wrong to cause this. I guess I’m more self-centered then than ever.
In the morning Margaret and I usually share the fears and failures of our nights, spent in nearby but separate rooms. We did that today, and prayed for each other, and went on our way, breathing deep, hearts beating, waiting to see what will happen next in this beautiful world God has given us.
Along both banks of the river fruit trees of every kind shall grow, and their leaves shall not fade, nor their fruit fail, because they shall be watered by the flow from the sanctuary, the holy water. Their fruit shall serve for food, and their leaves for medicine.
(Ezekiel 47, Psalm 46, Psalm 51, John 5)
(posted at www.davesandel.net)
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