Gentle changes
Let us put him to the test that we may have proof of his gentleness and try his patience. This was their thought, but they erred. They did not know the hidden counsels of God, and neither did they count on recompense for holiness. They did not discern the innocent souls’ reward.
– From Wisdom 2 (NAB)
I thought last night how I instinctively blame someone else for my mistake. Apparently, this is a common experience. Talking with my friend, she said it was the same for her.
In the dark I knock a glass off the counter and it shatters. Why did Margaret put it there! In God’s wisdom I keep silent, but inside me shallow curses rise and shake my soul.
Just for the moment, mind you. I’ve gotten a little better in my old age. But … the key word there is “little.” To go deeper, it seems that there is nothing I can do. I cherish Paul’s words, “Let your gentleness be evident to all” (Philippians 4:5). But that gentleness always seems just beyond my reach.
I am who I am. God said that.
And that’s what I say too?
In these primal moments I have three choices: denial, despair, surrender.
I’m just fine; I didn’t blame anyone, including myself. Or if I did, I didn’t really mean it. That’s denial, and it’s not just a river in Egypt.
But my real experience, being unable to get through this kind of thing, sets me up for despair. I will never change. Oh, so ugly!
Then there’s the word from God, perhaps unheard but present nonetheless, imploring me to give it up to Him.
In that moment of surrender my heart fills with joy. Still, there’s a significant similarity between a dead conscience and a free one, and I experience them both. Denial and surrender look a lot alike. Am I the great pretender, or am I free? This guilt I thought I felt, where has it gone? As far as the east is from the west, or just inside my false and scabby self, kept close until a more opportune time?
But clarity, too, has its opportunities. In the innocence God gives me, with each chance I have to blame and judge, I can become more patient with myself. Just a little more quickly each time, I can shrug my shoulders, laugh, and take a little personal responsibility. I’ve blamed others for as long as I remember. Mom, Dad, Mary Kay, John, Margaret, my pastors, teachers, roommates, friends … someone someone someone else.
But this innocence that comes from God, it’s real. It changes me. Jesus shows me how.
He calls me, along with every one of his disciples, to be “shrewd as serpents, and as innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). I can know my sin, my judgment, my capacity for blame, and still surrender it to God. Halfway through John 8, one of the richest chapters of Jesus’ story, Jesus says to me, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Free. Free. Free indeed!
I am NOT who I am. I am who God made me.
Lord, I listen to the little demon on my shoulder, whispering bad advice. Let me turn away from it toward you, toward your shadow on the road before me, heading toward Jerusalem. These days … these days … these days foreshadow pain, and death, and resurrected joy. Let me live them, live the life you’ve given me to live, one moment at a time. Be here now with me.
http://www.davesandel.net/category/lent-easter-devotions-2019/
http://www.christiancounselingservice.com/archived_devotions.php?article_id=1781
